Confession

Greetings my fellow mortals.

I stand before you naked today to pen down few things about myself.

I was born in Lamka at a District hospital. We moved to Imphal when I was a kid. Also I was a born again Christian at a very tender age. I even got myself baptized not long after that. But life happened and temptations came around the corner one after another. Long story short, I became a drug addict, a drunk, a thief, a liar, an immoral and a porn enthusiast. And the worst part is I used to do this all the while faking a lifestyle of a regular Christian. An A+ Sinner, if you must. The thing is I stopped praying and reading the Bible. My life revolves around friends during that period of time. Most of my friends were older and some were non-christian. Basically my life was a life of the party. And I didn't walk away when I should've. I couldn't/didn't say no when I should've. I was not strong enough, spiritually. How could I, I starved myself of spiritual manna. Yes had always been my answer. A yes man, if you will. I let satan win every time temptations came my way. But something inside me always irks whenever I sin and tingles to confirm that I was indeed sinning. I felt ashamed and disgusted. I started questioning things and have become more and more sceptic at that point of my life. And later on I lost all my faith and stopped going to church altogether. But somehow, our pastor at the time called me up for discussions. Me and few others. We were asked why we don't go to church anymore. And as I was already consumed in my skepticism I told him I don't believe in the Bible. That it wasn't from God. It's just a mythical book, I told him. He didn't have a very good rebuttal (not blaming him cause he himself was very young and new at the office and might've never met someone like me before). But he told me whatever the case is, whatever is the reason, I should still go to church. And so I did, continuing with my sinful lifestyle at the same time.

So here's the thing : As I was spiralling out of control, blinded by sins and ecstasy and surely headed towards Hades, unplanned, unrehearsed and out of the blue, I got saved. I still don't know how and why. All I know is, it wasn't any of my doings or intentions. It was all Jesus. Jesus rescued me from the bottom of the darkest pit and brought me back to Light. Indeed, I was rescued and redeemed. Thank God for not leaving me at my state and saving me when I couldn't even save myself. Even when I had forgotten all about Him, He had never forgotten me. He loved me all the same. Hallelujah !

I'm not saying I was all clean and sober and morally intact after that. In fact the reason why I'm writing this blog is to convey this pivotal message. As soon as I was given a new life, a life free from drug dependency, I started getting some weird pride vibe going on. I slowly began to shift my focus from giving God the glory to instead giving myself the credit for getting sobered, as if I pulled it off myself through my sheer willpower when I already knew it wasn't so. I started to think if I could beat drug addiction, I could beat anything. I was invincible at the back of my mind. Satan got me into thinking that I am in control. That old ancient serpent was always two steps ahead of me and got so many tricks up its sleeves that no one could escape even if they tried. But only with Jesus can we overcome satan's temptations and it's luring shenanigans, which at times I often forget. And sometimes knowingly because I was just being lazy. You see, you can't afford to slip up just because you're lazy as our enemy is always on the next hunt. We christians should be vigilant and always be on our front foot. I was not, so I stumbled and backslid again even after being saved once because I tried to do it by myself. I didn't pray. I didn't asked for protection. I was too proud. I started drinking again, popping pills, even smoked here and there. But I'm still flabbergasted that I never got hooked to any substance again like I did before and it's still a miracle to me. Truthfully, I never really enjoyed any euphoric eruptions again like I used to. That sounded like one trippy ride ae? Anyway my point is, that part of me who fell in love with drugs was gone. But the bad news is while I was high and wild, I did lots of things which I regretted a lot. But even then I'm still being shown mercy and guided towards that promised land patiently.

Right now I'm an old unemployed bum living off my parents but sober and morally sound. I started praying again and got myself acquainted with Bible much more intimately now than I ever did before. But still a long way to go though, I'm just starting. I have never longed for heaven before as much as I do now. This is me trying to come clean, making amendments of my past mistakes. I can't undo any of it, but I sure can learn from it and transform myself. Looking back there were lots of other stuffs which I wouldn't mentioned here cause it will be too long and cumbersome to read, which might've wounded me and also might be one of the reasons that led me into the path of drug abuse or the way I turned out in general. Some wounds although subtle, is pernicious. Those kinds of wound can't be healed without God. I still remember to have wept inconsolably one night without any reason as such. I think it was more of a kind of emotional outbursts. I was so sick and tired of my life. But luckily for me, Jesus got me. And after going through all of that, even though the picture is still incomplete, I now know God is in control, so it's all good. Not trying to make any excuses here, cause it is written "as  you sow, so shall you reap" and I'm a firm believer of that and moreover sympathy of any kind shown towards me is the last thing I'm looking for while writing this blog simply because I think I deserve every repercussions that comes with it. But as always, a little empathy won't hurt anyone ae?